Pregnancy

About a year ago one of my close friends got pregnant. She had just married a few months earlier and the pregnancy was unplanned but they were happy about it (those were their words too). For some reason this struck a vein in me. For the first time pregnancy begame real, it became real in my life.

Until this time I had regarded pregnancy that thing that i was terrified of. That thing I avoided with all of my energy. I knew one day i'd want children but it was nowhere in my consciousness thus far.

Throughout her pregnancy i began to feel some new feelings. I began to feel uneasy whenever we'd discuss it, i started feeling jealous, i started feeling bitter at her. After a while i took a good look at myself and realized what was going on. Put frankly, it wasn't fair that pregnancy was going to be so difficult for me and it was an 'oops' but 'oh well' for her. I was upset that it would be years of work for me to even beging TRYING to get pregnant. I was upset that during my pregnancy i will be in a constant struggle against my body and my bloodsugars.

She had her beautiful Sofia Bella on Aug. 3 2008 and I am so proud of her and happy for her. I no longer feel bitterness toward her (thank goodness) but it's still there in general. This feeling is growing and growing. I want children more than anything and i'm terrified that i wont be able to do it.

I asked somebody I knew about how she had 3 children, and she basically told me it almost killed her........yea......thanks a lot. I hate it when people are obliviously harsh. I just want to know that it is possible, and that it wont defeat me. I am ashamed to admit that i'm not the strongest person, i'm actually quite fragile and i just want to believe i will be able to do this for the little person that i bring into this world. I want to be stronger, and i want to be better at this diabetes thing *sigh*

I am in a serious relationship and we discuss marriage. It will probably happen in a year or two, and pretty soon after i'm going to crack down on diabetes and prepare for pregnancy, that way we can hopefully have one after a couple years of marriage.

Anyway, that's my rant, things have switched in my brain. No more fearing pregnancy, now it's wanting it so badly it hurts. I guess this change happens to a lot of women, diabetic or not