"you're brave"

Tonight I was changing out an infusion set, and because it was a new set that I'm not accustomed to I asked for a little help from my boyfriend (we live together). I had him hold the set while I maneuvered the tape over it. While he was waiting for his cue to jump in and help inserted the needle and cannula, which of course was a stubborn one that i had to really press hard to get it in my skin. Now, he has seen me 'do' this a hundred if not thousand times, so it was no surprise, but he had never been right there looking that closely as I did it. It was quiet, I was doing my thing like it was no big deal and he said "you're brave." I ignored him because right as he spoke the needle popped in and I needed his help. After we finished I sad down and though about how hearing that really stuck with me. "I am brave." What a line for a diabetic to hear. To us, it's not bravery, it's not being bold, it's not liking needles, or even just being okay with them...it's survival. This doesn't mean I didn't like the comment, it for once was a comment about diabetes that I actually enjoyed hearing, it was rather flattering...even though I didn't agree with it.

So what I'm pondering now is how people view what we do? The simple things, the testing, the shots, the infusion set changes, the carb counting, the lows, the hights. I get a lot of different reactions as I'm sure all diabetics do. Without mentioning names here are a few:
1. Often I get the "WOW I could never do that!" then I reply "yes you could, if you had to" then i get something like "no really i'd just end up dying, I just couldn't do it"
Needless to say hearing this really pisses me off! So they're telling me that if they were in my shoes they'd choose death? hm, unlikely don't you think? *sigh*
2. One person in particular always cringes and is disgusted (in a 'nice' way). Saying things like "omg omg omg how do you do that? eeeeewww, wow, that sucks" and so on and so forth. This is my leas favorite, and I almost always snap back at them, granted they do have a real phobia of needles.
3. There's always the people that just stare wide eyed, then look up and smile politely
4. and lastly i'll mention the people who pretend it isn't happening, when I test, bolus on my pump, take a shot, read a label, calculate. I like those reactions haha :) Sometimes I just want to be treated like another human being!

Yet another Infusion Set

Yesterday afternoon I decided to give MiniMed a call and ask for some samples of an infusion set I had yet to try, the Sof-Set. Now I know I talk very highly of the Sure-T infusion set, it is rather great, but honestly I got bored of it (hey you have to have fun SOMEHOW with diabetes). What I liked about it is that it doesn't have a big white ring of adhesive like most do. I have trouble with adhesives sticking to begin with so I always end up adding IV3000 over my sets anyway, I figured I might as well get rid of that ring and use my own adhesive all together.

Anyway, they arrived at 8:30 the next morning! So far I am very pleased with this set, it is just what I needed, small, clear, easy. As usual your mileage may vary, so it won't work for everyone. In fact, most diabetics I know just use the white adhesive on the set and nothing else, but if you're like me and end up taping it anyway, give the Sof-Set a try!

I'll update this post as I start to learn more about the set and get more used to it!

Survived the Holidays (thus far)

Oy, been a looooong week! Thankfully I get New Years day off this week! Anyway, I wanted to let everyone know to take a look at my Diabetes 365 page, where I'll be posting all of my diabetes pics. You can also find me directly at flickr if you prefer.

That's it for now, just wanted to drop in and say hello! I'll post something with substance soon ;) Take care!

Hooray for Accuracy!

I just uploaded the data from my last week of CGM readings on the CareLink website and to my surprise my average sensor reading was equivalent to my most recent A1c result! What that means is my sense was actually pretty accurate, which is always a good thing. It was my best sensor (in terms of accuracy) yet. The only problem was that they usually last 10 days but this one crapped out after 6. It's like it put too much effort into those good readings and burnt itself out, those things have minds of their own I swear. Anyway, from the data i concluded that i need to do some serious basil rate checking in the afternoons. Every single afternoon reading was high. Either that or I (every single day?) don't cover my lunch carbs well enough, or I need to do a Insulin:Carb ration change for lunch time. Not sure what it is, so as always the place to start is basil checking....UGH. Here's one of my secrets, I hate basil rate checking more than ANYTHING else in diabetesland, by a freaking landslide. ....well here goes...

You know you're a diabetic when...

...you make your very own AquaGlobe out of an old pump reservoir. Okay okay, here's the story. I got this beautiful Ponytail Palm Bonsai tree a few months ago, and at first it was so gorgeous!Sadly, as the months went by it began to look, well, not so healthy. So lately I've been learning how to better care for it. Basically the problem was that it needs a tiny amount of water nearly every day and I just never remember to do that. Recently I got an AquaGlobe for my Birds of Paradise plant and it works like a charm. I was thinking "wouldn't it be great if it fit in my tiny bonsai tree"!? But it was about twice it's size so definitely not a god idea. 

Anyway, that's when I got the idea to use a syringe, but i wanted something that held more than 30 units of water so i went with a reservoir which holds 300 units. It lasts a few days, it's perfect!!!

Insecurities

Something that I have noticed over the years is that we diabetics often get very nervous when first meeting another diabetic (particularly in real life, but sometimes online as well). I think there is an instant tension between the two. On one hand we're nervous to find that they take way better care of themselves thus by comparison making you feel like crap about yourself. On the other hand we're nervous about just the opposite, we don't want to come off as the diabetes police (because nobody likes the diabetes police) and fear making them feel like crap about themselves. It's a twisted situation, everyone feeling uncomfortable to discuss our habits of self care, but at the same time so excited and anticipating the 'juicy' talk. I'm sure this isn't true for everyone, but I sure feel it in myself and sense it in most other diabetics that I meet.

Why do we do this? Why are we so nervous? Here's what i've come up with so far. As we all know it's damn hard being a diabetic, that's no secret. Every one of us knows the internal struggles that are involved every single day, the pride when we do great, and that sneaky guilt that drowns us when we make mistakes. Too many of us (myself included) let these feelings become the source or our self esteem. If for a day we are a 'good diabetic' (and I hate that term by the way) we tend to feel like we can take on the world, we've figured it out, we won, and 'if we could just keep it up this time....' But if we are a 'bad diabetic' (I hate this term 100 times more) we feel like a bad person, a failure, a person who can't control anything, and we start to lose hope. Now I do know that this doesn't always happen, I know that all of us can also sometimes take a bad day in stride and just move on from it, and that is terrific! But I'm specifically talking about those really low lows (no pun intended). I think that we too often think that other diabetics will judge us harshly too. The truth is we don't, we're all on the same team here. But it's his misunderstanding that causes us have this intense fear of pushing another diabetics emotional buttons, or having our own pushed by someone else.

I think we all need to take a step back, realize what's going on, support each other, and trust that we will be supported. It's all we've got.

New Gadgets Page!

Just wanted to let you all know that I added a Gadgets page to MyTypeOne. This has info on my meters, pump, infusion sets, and CGMS. Take a look!

Say hello to my little friend

Well I'm finally putting another sensor for my CGM on today. I like the shadow in this picture...makes it look extra intimidating hahaha. But really, it's not bad, doesn't hurt any more than the tiny little infusion set needles (just looks big). So I have another 10 days of continuous readings. OH YA!!! I just found out that my insurance will cover the sensors (thanks to my friend Landileigh who informed me of this lovely news!) That saves me $350 on every 10 sensors! I am so excited!!!

Bubbles in the pump? uh-oh

From what I've heard I'm not alone in my bitterness at my paradigm reservoirs. Within even a single day they fill up with big bubbles. Every box, every batch, every one does this. There's something wrong with the way the made the seal. I guess I should finally get around to asking MiniMed about this, I'm sure they can help in some way...maybe? Now that I think of it, probably not. Joanie: "Hey you're reservoirs have a faulty seal" Representative: "oh, well let me have out factory change the way we make them." Joanie: "Okay great thanks!" *wakes up from dream* Either way I haven't had too many crazy reading because of them, I think they pretty much stay in the reservoir, they aren't a fan of the trip up the tubing :) I don't recall this every happing with my 522 reservoirs, it seems to be only these. Anybody else having this issue? or have any fixes for this issue? If so do tell do tell! Alright, enough venting, time to finish the laundry.

Trying Something New

Trying something new tonight.... I put my pump set in my thigh!! I tried it once a couple of years ago and kept ripping it out when i'd take my pants off, but now i'm using the Sure-T infusion sets (as opposed to the Quick Set which I used for my first 5 years of pumping) and that has what i call an "anchor" attached. So basically if i do pull anything out it will just be that anchor that isn't in me at all, and the actual infusion site will stay in place. I'll update you all and let you know how it goes.

Whatever it Takes

I'll pretty much do whatever it takes in diabetesland to feel good and have fun with it. I've been spending WAY too much money on new gadgets. I bought one of those new Renew Lancing System thingys...totally awesome! Then I went back and bought a bunch of refills, even though i have an endless supply of free lancets with my insurance, not smart Joanie, not smart.

Oh also, i just got the purple UltraMini and it is beautiful! WAY better than pink (which really looks red in real life, eew)

Lets see what else....hm...oh, bought a freestyle lite (for like 10 bucks) on Ebay, still waiting for that to ship. The problem with that is Kaiser ONLY covers onetouch strips, so i can't really use the freestyle, I guess i'm just hoping i get free samples somehow? hm.

I should also mention that I have some pretty serious OCD issues (if you couldn't tell) so I am not proud of these purchases. I've been extra compulsive lately, at the same time i started buying all this, I also started biting my nails again, and thinking obsessively, *sigh*. I need to stop spending money on unnecessary diabetes toys, and I need to get my OCD in check again before i'm broke and nail-less hahaha.

Sick Days

I guess I need to finally experiment with sick day basil rates. I'm tired of the constant bolusing and seeing no effects.

SugarStats.com

Well, here I am, laid out on the table for all of you to tear apart. I'm going to start using this to track my bloodsugars...be nice.

SugarStats is a great site for keeping track of and sharing glucose readings!

Bluetooth Meter!

Super accurate, bluetooth connected, meter comes out in January!!!!

Pregnancy

About a year ago one of my close friends got pregnant. She had just married a few months earlier and the pregnancy was unplanned but they were happy about it (those were their words too). For some reason this struck a vein in me. For the first time pregnancy begame real, it became real in my life.

Until this time I had regarded pregnancy that thing that i was terrified of. That thing I avoided with all of my energy. I knew one day i'd want children but it was nowhere in my consciousness thus far.

Throughout her pregnancy i began to feel some new feelings. I began to feel uneasy whenever we'd discuss it, i started feeling jealous, i started feeling bitter at her. After a while i took a good look at myself and realized what was going on. Put frankly, it wasn't fair that pregnancy was going to be so difficult for me and it was an 'oops' but 'oh well' for her. I was upset that it would be years of work for me to even beging TRYING to get pregnant. I was upset that during my pregnancy i will be in a constant struggle against my body and my bloodsugars.

She had her beautiful Sofia Bella on Aug. 3 2008 and I am so proud of her and happy for her. I no longer feel bitterness toward her (thank goodness) but it's still there in general. This feeling is growing and growing. I want children more than anything and i'm terrified that i wont be able to do it.

I asked somebody I knew about how she had 3 children, and she basically told me it almost killed her........yea......thanks a lot. I hate it when people are obliviously harsh. I just want to know that it is possible, and that it wont defeat me. I am ashamed to admit that i'm not the strongest person, i'm actually quite fragile and i just want to believe i will be able to do this for the little person that i bring into this world. I want to be stronger, and i want to be better at this diabetes thing *sigh*

I am in a serious relationship and we discuss marriage. It will probably happen in a year or two, and pretty soon after i'm going to crack down on diabetes and prepare for pregnancy, that way we can hopefully have one after a couple years of marriage.

Anyway, that's my rant, things have switched in my brain. No more fearing pregnancy, now it's wanting it so badly it hurts. I guess this change happens to a lot of women, diabetic or not